...that i put up some more stuff.

finally!
i have a bunch of stuff to put up here from cali and other misc. summer expeditions.
sorry it's taken so long but better late than never, right?

annnd check out my youtube channel, PterraLiz.
i only have one vid up for now (and i would LOVEE it if you would give me feedback, or maybe even a VID RESPONSE...that would make me smile and everybody loves a happy liz)

here's the link *points*
[link]

thanks for all your positive feedback, dolls.
<3

ps
i'm changing my name to elizabeth tuesday -relatively- soon.

exciting stuff.

well, more like the blue screen.
the computer screen.
[link]
PterraLiz ish mah NEW channel on youtube.
rate and comment, PLZZZZZZZZZ.
<3
go.
now.
(>^-^)>

uhm.
well.
today was rather odd.
not in a bad way, just...odd.
it's hard to think that this morning i was absolutely blind with hate,
and now i can have a civil conversation with her without wanting to gouge her eyes out.
-i know, i know-
i didn't really plan on this.
of course i was hoping things would work out for the better,
but that was buried wayyyy deep at the back of my mind.
honestly, when i sat next to her today on the bus to see what was up
-did she have a problem w/ me still?-
i was prepared for a battle royale right there on the pleather seats.
but oddly enough, we seemed to be sharing the same thoughts.
we both seemed to be watching the other through our peripheral vision
-waiting for the other to strike first-
she laughed at the irony, and asked which school i was going to next year.
i told her that if i was lucky, i would never have to see her again.
then we just started talking, and found out that neither one of us wanted to be mad.
it was sort of a he-said-she-said, and we had been over being mad quite some time ago.

not that i can just forgive and forget.

i respect that she was my friend, and i think it was a big move -and said a lot about her (in a good way)- to be the one to say 'hey, why are we fighting?'

but

she was also the one that was behind my misery this year
-which she admitted to, and apologized for-
and was one of the major reasons i'm switching schools
-not sure if she knows about that one....-
but now it's too late to change my mind, and i'm already psyched about my new school.

anyways.

i would love to say 'omg i know i missed you too!'
-which is very true, i missed her company-
and i would love to say 'oh, forget about it. it's all cool. you know what? lemme introduce you to my new boyfriend, will, he's terrific. maybe you two can get together later....'
-is my dry humor inappropriate for a time like this? *sigh* i'll never grow out of it. lawls-
but she did hurt me...a lot.
i'm not trying to make her look bad, or feel bad, at all.
but it's true.
the only other person that ever hurt me more was jacob, and he has a lot to do with this.

which brings me to my next point.
jacob.
he was the first boyfriend i ever had.
and he was the first to break my heart.
sarah was my first friend that i had ever lost,
and it was because of their budding relationship.

the feeling this situation gives you is indescribable.
you really can't understand it until you experience it...
but it stinks more than anything.

can you see why i'm reluctant about all of this?

but...

back to jacob -well sort of...i guess we're already discussing him...-
a while back, i posted 'Helpless love'-my title for it-
written by a philosopher called Catullus.
it's about unconditional love... which is exactly how i feel about jacob.
it's not the love where i want to get married and start a family,
or where i'm always going to be the one he calls when he just wants to talk,
but it's going to be hard to ever completely forget what we were
-and how much he meant to me-
i wish him well, and i really want him to be happy with sarah
-honestly, i mean this with all my heart-
i would rather him be happy without me than be bored with me.

and i would really love to maybe be 'friendly'
-i swear to buddah, no innuendo at all there-
but i'm not sure if him and i will ever be buddy-buddy.

our relationship didn't have much closure, either.
things ended and
-i wasnt in denial-
i just thought maybe if i ignored it completely, and just acted like his friend things might have a chance at going back to normal.
then stuff happened and the last conversation i can remember ended with me in tears and him miffed at me about giving sarah the hairy eyeball.
-what would you do?-

so i'm kind of worried about the inevitable conversation to come
-if me and sarah had to talk, me and jacob will have to talk-
i'm worried because i don't think i ever sat down with him and talked about if being friends could work.
-the breakup doesn't count-
we might have chatted about it,
but i've been working harder than all get out to supress painful memories.

wow. this has been long.
but i just wanted to let anyone who cared
-friends?-
know.

i really hope nothing like this every happens again.
this year was pretty much wasted
-in the sarah department...lawl-
on being angry
-at the whole sarah department....lawl-
since we're neighbors maybe me leaving this school doesn't have to be the end of our slowly healing-like a nasty bloody skin-grafted painful amputated limb... wound- friendship?
i really think she's great, and i think what hurt me possibly even more than jacob did
-but in a completely different way-
is that i made friends w/ a really rad person, but things went pretty bad.
-i be bustin out rhymes like a straight up g. dawg. arf arf. *coughs*-

so im expecting the levees to break when i tell my parents that the lion has laid down with the lamb
-i swear, no innuendo...just be quotin' the bible-
they're going to think i have terrible judgement
-because who ever says nice things about their enemies?-
but if she really wants to try this friendship thing again
-i do, i do!-
maybe my parents will start to accept that we all make mistakes,
and that i was as mean and nasty
-sorrrt of...-
to her as she was to me.

actions speak louder than words.
i'm glad i sat down next to her.

But they can't.
Fortunatley,
Fists and firearms
Can.

The only thing i've learned this year is that long hair is easier to pull out (sorrrrry katie, ily<3)
But this works towards my advantage, seeing as i have relatively short hair compared to her. -grr.-

What are they gonna do?
Kick me out of school? ---i'm switching schools next year lolol---
lol
>.<

i make myself laugh sometimes.
silly me.
---
mmk. so here's what's bothering the ducklings out of me.
unoriginal preppy clones hitting on my will.
MINE.
gr.
they don't even deserve to look at him.

and...

...well. i had a boyfriend...let's leave it at that (this is about jacob, not will)

yes, he was my first true love.
and yes thank you very much for causing me so much pain.
thank you for opening my eyes to a pain that i would have never guessed existed.
cause really, it was great.
honestly i did appriciate that.

but i am over it.
its been 8GOSHDARNMONTHS.(in 2 days if you want to be technical).

i don't know how much more of this i can take.
it is so frustrating.
----
on a lighter note,
i am forever gone from my current personal hell hole in 8 days.
w00t for higher education.

i love you all, especially my darling william.

^roflcopter.^

Catullus 75 – The Love-Hate Deepens

Hūc est mēns dēducta tuā, mea Lesbia, culpā
Atque ita sē officiō perdidit ipsa suō,
Ut iam nec bene velle queat tibi, sī optima fīās,
Nec dēsistere amāre, omnia sī faciās.

Hither the mind is dragged down by you, my Lesbia, and by your fault
Itself and by duty itself was thus destroyed,
So that now it is not possible to wish you well, if you do the best,
Nor to stop loving you, even if you do the worst.

This poem is about love.
He is not saying that he can never love again,
but rather no matter who he loves,
or how long he waits for the pain to subside,
he will always be in love with this woman.
This woman has done him wrong.
She has done wrong enough for him never to be able to forgive her.
Yet, he can't help but love her with all he is.
He could find someone else,
and he will.
But some part of him will always mourn the loss,
no matter how convinced he is that he's moved on.




but on a much lighter note,
i met someone<3
and i like someone a lot(: